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Diary Of A Newborn


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Day 0: Well, tomorrow is the big day and I wonder: is there life after birth?

Day 1: After 9 months, I finally get to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm happy to say there's no oncoming train. Everybody's laughing and cooing and oohing and aahing over me and it feels like my coming out party (literally)! Whee!! Happy birthday to me!! Now what am I supposed to do?

Day 2: It looks like I don't have to DO anything just yet; for now, I can just BE. (After all, I'm "just" a baby.)

Day 3: I'm just now getting used to my crib and new home. It will be awhile before I get to eat anything solid as I do not yet have any teeth to speak of. For now, I'm pretty much restricted to a liquid and mush diet.

Day 4: It looks like I'm not the only cute creature in this household. Is that a cat climbing into my crib?? Why does this stealthy beast keep giving me the evil eye? Yikes! I think he weighs more than I do.

Day 5: I keep hearing this sappy song on the radio that goes "he ain't heavy ... he's my brother." Well, that heavy (compared to me, that is) boy who keeps coming into my room IS my brother, jackass!

Day 6: I don't have to say a word and yet I somehow always manage to be the life of the party. So far, so good.

Day 7: "They" say babies can't think so how could I possibly be keeping this diary? Well, since I can't talk, how can "they" prove I have nothing going on inside?

Day 8: Uh oh, another family gathering and time to put on a show for the relatives again. To earn my keep around here, I have to put on that "cute baby" act and try not to look too annoyed at their infernal baby talk. Sometimes, I feel like a goat at a petting zoo.

Day 9: Hmmm, I wonder ... if I can get Mommy to eat some chocolate, might I be able to get chocolate milk at my next breast feeding?

Day 10: It's so nice not to have to worry about anything but my creature comforts: feeding, sleeping, and cuddling. It's also nice to be able to go to the bathroom and bathe without ever having to get up.

Day 11: Uh oh, I got gas again. How embarrassing! (Oh well, at least I don't get that stinky lower-chamber kind.)

Day 12: I wonder what my parents named me. I hope it wasn't something embarrassing like "O.J." Life is going to be hard enough.

Day 13: Who is this "Baby Einstein" I keep hearing about? Is he smarter than me?

Day 14: I keep hearing Mommy complain about her bad hair days. Me, I'll take any hair - even "bad" hair - over no hair at all.

Day 15: How is it that I can be short, bald, and fat - and popular - while that same look on grown men practically gets them ostracized from society? (Hey, Baby Einstein: can you say "ostracized"?)

Day 16: For me, life is like a dream because I sleep over 15 hours/day.

Day 17: Mommy and Daddy went out dancing tonight and I got to tag along. Mommy took me for my first whirl out on the dance floor and it was a blast! It's nice not having to worry about leading when your feet don't yet quite touch the floor.

Day 18: If I came from Mommy's tummy then what's up with that stork that everybody keeps yammering about? Is that the one that got Mommy pregnant? If so, then what kind of creature does that make me??

Day 20: It turns out we have several pets including a watch dog named Sam who howls outside in front of the bay window very loudly whenever he thinks he hears an intruder. Well, I can howl a lot louder than Sam (believe you me!) so maybe I could be a watch baby?

Day 21: I look at Daddy's full and lustrous head of hair and see my future coiffure. I think that when he looks at my bald head he sees his.

Day 22: Today, I had drool coming out both sides of my mouth so now, everybody calls me "the double dribbler" and jokes that I'd never make the LA Lakers team (and I thought it was just because of my short stature and weak knees).

Day 23: Sometimes, I think I might like to be a plumber when I grow up. Of course, I'll have to finish my potty training first.

Day 24: Not too much happened today except for the usual tinkle, grunt, fumes, diaper rash, gas masks, cleaning crew, and many, many diaper changes. Welcome to my world.

Day 25: Well, guess what? It turns out I am a twin! Until now, I had no idea. How do I know? I came across a pair of pink booties in my crib that obviously are not mine. How they got there I'll never know. I don't know yet what my twin sister's name is. (Heck, I don't even know my own.) Besides her and an older brother, this discovery makes me wonder how many other brothers and sisters I might have (not to mention other family pets hidden in the woodworks).

Day 26: Now that I've gotten a little bigger, that sneaky cat that used to torment me has started to back off. I guess I must be moving higher up in the food chain. Mommy's always lamenting about how much weight she has put on, but from my perspective, gaining weight is not always such a bad thing.

Day 27: I wonder if my twin sister is also keeping a newborn's diary and what she's saying about me.

Day 28: Late this morning, we drove 200 miles to visit Uncle Jack. Mommy kept mentioning car sickness throughout the trip, but the car seemed to be working just fine since we made it to Uncle Jack's without any problems.

Day 29: Tonight we arrived back home and were greeted by some older kid (a baby sitter or maybe some other older sibling?). I was taken upstairs to my crib and lullabied to sleep. This time, I finally put two and two together and figured out that if I listened carefully to the lullaby lyrics which have been sung to me every night since I was born, that I might be able to pick up my name - which I did this time around, and much to my relief, I learned it's not "O.J." - it's actually "T.J." which stands for “Thomas John.”

Day 30: Whew! I made it through the first month and it looks as if there IS life after birth, so from here on in, it should be smooth sailing (famous last words).

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